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Good Bones

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Enter 2018

9 January, 2018

Enter 2018 | Good Bones

Enter 2018 | Good BonesEnter 2018 | Good Bones

I can hardly comprehend how another year has come and gone. 2017 was a whirlwind of activities and obligations muddled with intense grief, stagnancy, doubt, and getting my hopes up about things that ultimately did not work out. It’s not easy to admit, especially as I’ve tried to shield myself against it with well-meaning intentions and mindfulness in the past, but 2017 was one of the least joyous years of my life. When I reflect on all that’s happened to us, a quote I heard recently comes to mind:

“Grief has a way of becoming about everything in one’s daily existence…Everything bathed in the sadness of loss.” –David Giffels in Furnishing Eternity

It’s been increasingly difficult to open up to others about these things, in person or online. The more I share, the more I’ve been hurt, so I do what is familiar and easy in the short term–I retreat and close myself off to the possibility of connection, understanding, or empathy from others. While I could (and certainly have a tendency to) fixate on how the days, weeks, and months continue to weigh on me, I can’t ignore there is another side, a place of calm amidst the turbulent waters.

In terms of experiences, 2017 was a significant year for me. Though I was forced to let go of things that were meaningful to me, I also accomplished things I never dreamed I’d be able to do. I didn’t make as much art as I would have liked, but I found a renewed confidence in my creative ability, said yes to more opportunities, sold more of my pieces, and once again feel that desire to be productive and proactive. I’m making art I’m excited about again.

Though I battle self-doubt and lack of confidence on a daily basis, I put myself out there by accepting offers to model for women-owned brands I admire deeply, STATE (my post about it is here) and Elizabeth Suzann (more on this later in the year!). It’s not easy to be proud of myself–to even feel I’m allowed to be proud, or that what I’ve done is categorically an accomplishment at all. As a woman, a person of color, even just a human being, it often feels more natural to question or reject myself than to be confident or celebrate who I am and what I can do. That disturbs me on a profound level. In 2018 I hold no mercy toward the fear and self-criticism that limits my idea of what I can or should do.

I wasn’t able to remain as physically active as I prefer, as a degenerative disc in my spine coupled with foot complications demanded I give up running and seriously alter my productivity levels at home and at the store. But last year I reached out for help about my chronic back pain and have had some relief thanks to a chiropractor, physical therapy, and yoga (something I was too terrified to try for years). Some days are better than others, and I miss running more than I’m able to express, but I’m learning ways to not only manage pain but heal my body in the healthiest and most long-term way possible (I just got this book and I’m intimidated but excited to dive in). Looking back, it’s surprising how long it took to admit I couldn’t take any more pain. I was stubborn and felt weak. Settling into that vulnerability took a long time, even with my husband, but I’m proud of myself for pushing past the anxiety. While there may seem like more questions than answers about my health at times, I’m grateful for even the small bit of comfort and confidence I’ve found in beginning my rehabilitation. Collectively, all of these experiences from the past year, whether emotionally uplifting or devastating, have allowed me to recognize my own personal and creative needs with better clarity.

For months I have been ruminating on an episode of On Point that my husband and I listened to about anxiety (the episode was specifically addressing teens but I recognized myself immediately)–the idea that people with anxiety, which is different from occasionally being anxious, have a tendency to want to control and possess advance knowledge of how a situation will unfold. The unknown is terrifying, so anxious people feel it lessens anxiety to be prepared and know what to expect. But in reality this awareness and control of outcomes lessens the individual’s ability to adapt and react to stressful situations in a healthy way. It teaches the mind to follow prompts or rely on a script without connection to the real world, without real knowledge or development. I never thought of my own anxiety in this sense–that every time I try to manipulate or minimize “surprise” stressors, every time I try to control outcomes to the extreme so I know what to expect in advance, I’m actually doing myself a disservice. I’m preventing my mind and body from learning ways to adapt to unexpected events and think critically or problem solve on my own. The episode was unnerving and moving as it transported me back to the difficulties I had growing up. The overwhelming feelings I felt back then, and still do, came rushing to the surface, and I wept. Listening, I was fascinated, as though I was seeing and understanding myself fully for the first time (the first time I remember that feeling of intense anxiety was age 5, and it’s been with me ever since). My intent for 2018 is to combat the temptation to give in, to know or predict, control or prepare for every detail and possible outcome. Not knowing, despite the fear it evokes, helps me learn and grow, and I hope to experience more of that this year.

It goes without saying that this year I’d also like to focus on reading more (starting with this book, a sweet Christmas gift from my best friend), continue to rehabilitate my body and try running again, make more art, make healthy choices, and grow deeper in my relationships–serving others and myself well. Here’s to a new year–not a fresh start but an opportunity for growth and balance.

For those of you that read the blog, is there anything you’d like to see more or less of this year? More frequent posts? Less fashion? Interpersonal posts? Everyday life? Inspiration? Designer features? My personal art or outfits? I’d love to know!

Style

Golden Hour

3 January, 2017

Golden Hour | Good BonesGolden Hour | Good Bones Golden Hour | Good Bones Golden Hour | Good Bones Golden Hour | Good Bones Golden Hour | Good Bones

These photos were taken on a cold day in Cincinnati last week, when the sun started to fade and cast the most beautiful moody, golden glow. This outfit is without a doubt my favorite of the year. My clogs were a Christmas gift from my husband. They’re a lovely rich shade of bordeaux I’ve been dreaming of for winter and easy to throw on for my ideal balance of effortless and cool. My dress was purchased on our last trip to Charleston, back when it was too hot to even think about wearing it, and I’m so glad the temperatures at home resemble something of a winter now. My pants, the wonderful Clyde work pants from Elizabeth Suzann, are now a beloved staple in my closet. And the scarf I’ve had for many years–wearing it makes cold weather seem more exciting. It has pockets! All together I felt so like myself in this moment, browsing yet another bookstore with my husband. I’m glad he snapped a couple photos to remember one of the last days of the strange, hard, significant year.

Between our own holiday celebrations and post-Christmas time with both our families, I’m a little behind and feeling unprepared for 2017. We tend to have blindly hopeful notions of the new year–this great, sweeping fresh start where change is certain and immediate. A sense of hope has immense benefit and meaning, of course, but in many ways the new year is a lot of life as usual mixed with change that comes after tremendous work. Habit shifts and new beginnings don’t always happen overnight simply because the calendar year is different. I’m still looking forward to sitting down to reflect on 2016 and the kind of year I hope to have personally in 2017, like in years past, but for today I’m content taking it slowly.

In terms of the blog, though, I’ve had a few thoughts on my mind for a long time, particularly in regard to where Good Bones is headed. To be honest, I don’t look forward to blogging as much as I once did and I’ve opted for less involved posts, fewer personal daily life posts the last several months as a means of avoiding the lack of interest and creativity I’ve experienced. In general, my love for and inspiration found on the internet has been waning–largely due to insecurity, a tendency to compare, and the pressure I feel to be a polished blog that constantly delivers fresh and unique content. But for me that pressure is especially misplaced and unproductive, antithetical to my own goals when I first started out. I want to reign in my focus and not only reevaluate my goals but also establish a clear, purposed plan for meeting them. I don’t need to try and keep up in 2017–I can continue trying to do what’s right for me.

Style

Comfort Clothes

28 November, 2016

Comfort Clothes | Good Bones

Comfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good BonesComfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good Bones Comfort Clothes | Good Bones

jacket// old Ann-Sofie Back, top and pants// Elizabeth Suzann, earrings// Crescioni (won from Mohawk General Store), shoes// Proud Mary

I wore this outfit on a warm Thanksgiving Day, ready to indulge in good food and company. Aside from feeling comfortable after eating multiple helpings of a delicous meal, I knew I wanted to look and feel like myself with a quick and easy outfit that wasn’t without intention. No brand has offered that feeling in terms of design and philosophy more than Elizabeth Suzann. These items, perfectly wrinkled and broken in, are what I reach for when I’m not feeling my best so that I can feel my best. They are elegant, timeless, versatile, and truly comfortable and comforting. I’m looking forward to my Clyde Pants arriving soon!

Style

Pretend Shopping

24 March, 2015

Melissa Sonico necklace

Good Bones | Pretend Shopping

69 basketball shirt | Melissa Sonico necklace | Elizabeth Suzann knot bag | COS wood heel sandals

If I had the closet of my dreams I’d be wearing these beautiful things on a dinner date with David to celebrate my birthday this Friday. I’m excited about turning 28 (one year closer to 30, which for some reason I’m really looking forward to) even if the weather is likely to be gloomy and wet. Time spent with David is my biggest wish of all. There’s something very special about having someone else plan a celebration for you, big or small, and I quite like the idea of being surprised for once. I feel so loved.

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