A short but honest and sweet talk with a woman I’ve been going to barre and spin class with for years and re-reading my favorite book series this week (also this article) encouraged me to reflect on the burdensome feelings that have slowly gotten the better of me. The best way I know how is to write. When you’ve been away for so long, especially from writing, it seems the most sensible thing to do is get right to it.
Anxiety and depression have been with me most of my life and I try to be open about that here, but there are times I’m absolutely sure it’s not an appropriate thing to talk about on a blog. The alternative–fashion, art, interior design, anything else–seems flawed if I’m giving an impression of assured contentment. I post about the bright spots on Instagram but not about the days it’s hard to get out of bed, the tears and isolation. I don’t feel like myself, or maybe not the self I hope to be.
I’ve been avoiding my long to-do list, preferring instead to indulge in negativity and the short-lived satisfaction that comes from procrastination. In the process I’ve completely neglected a space that was once an outlet for creativity and fun. My problem has always been overthinking–worrying that I have nothing to say, that no one will be interested, that I’m just reposting and recycling content, that I’m not as compelling as others. I get stuck believing my everyday life isn’t glamorous enough to blog about and not wanting to confront the unpleasant parts of life. It stops me in my tracks and drags those crippling thoughts of uncertainty to the surface. Bottom line: I’ve been making excuses and feeling sorry for myself. Every tiny decision is difficult so I don’t make any, letting that tense feeling I get when a lack of momentum and busyness somehow happen at the same time takes over. Planning posts, not following through, and later beating myself up about it–it’s a pattern that serves no purpose and one that I’m moving on from. I have a couple things scheduled for the next week or so, and that’s plenty. It’s easy to think you have to keep up, be perfect, but I can choose to be gentler with myself. I want to spend the remaining two and a half months of the year (!!!) exploring and pushing the boundaries of my creative side. This is my favorite season and I want to experience it well, putting my most earnest self forward.
I give myself a pep talk like this every few months and that’s okay. We all need these reminders sometimes.