Winds and waves will not spare us, but they all obey Him; and therefore whatever squalls may occur on the outside, faith will enjoy a blessed calm within. He is always in the center of the weather-beaten company: Let us rejoice in Him. His boat has reached the harbor, and so will ours.

Whatever our morning’s need may be, may it like a strong current carry us to the ocean of divine love. Jesus can soon remove our sorrow; He delights to comfort us. Let us hurry to Him while he waits to meet us. — excerpts from “Morning and Evening” by C.H. Spurgeon

It’s easy to hide bad feelings behind product posts and fashion inspiration. Whenever I think about writing here I end up overwhelmed and in tears. Depression, insomnia, surgery, medical tests and procedures, bad news, stress, emotional and spiritual turmoil–I’d rather not talk about that. But perhaps sometimes it’s good to. I’ve been isolating and feeling sorry for myself–it’s my go-to coping mechanism that, truthfully, never works. And though I’m trying hard to trust the Lord, to read and have faith in his word, I am just not well.

In a very real way I’ve been confronted with how deep my selfishness goes. I’m beginning to see that my hurt, no matter how natural and understandable, grows and consumes if left unchecked, if my focus is on the offense and not the one who redeems and offers peace. No healing can come from that, from looking at such an amazing gift and saying no, that’s not enough. It’s a constant battle, sinfully feeling justified because of how deeply I have been wounded yet wanting to move forward with grace and love. Ultimately I’m thankful for these dark times–they help me see very clearly my need for Jesus and my habit of thinking I can save myself and others. I pray that in my weakness I find hope in the strength God offers, that I would be motivated not by wanting to make my own life easier and more comfortable, but that I would put others above myself and do all things for his glory.

Strangely, writing these few words has been helpful. The feelings aren’t looming over my head, threatening and impossible to handle. The path forward seems less abstract and unattainable. I am thankful for the push.